Friday, October 09, 2009
Hello. We are the coolest band in the world. Everything you have ever heard about us is true. We are fucking crazy and we are very brave. We booked a 45-country, 3-month world tour by ourselves and we didn't die, although we almost did a bunch of times. We have played in fucking China, and Serbia, and we are the first American band to play in Belarus in 5 years (the band before us was Cannibal Corpse) and we had to sneak into the country on a World War II cargo plane. In fact, all the shows were fucking awesome except Turkey, Italy, the UK, and Scandinavia. We party harder than any other band in the world and still play our parts perfectly every single night. Oh yeah did I mention Nathan broke his shoulder with 10 days left on the tour and played 8 shows with a broken shoulder and no treatment except alcohol? I think when other bands' singers break their shoulders they just cancel the tour and fly home. Oh wait I think that is also what they do if they have a vocal polyp or gas costs $4 a gallon. Oh shit! $4! Actually I am sure of it because other bands are pussies. At least those singers have neck tattoos though and ask the question "How the FUCK are you guys doing tonight?" twice in a row after their second song is over. We spent $60,000 to do EARTH TOUR by maxing out 5 credit cards and bought 27 flights each for 7 people. We don't have parents and we are from the future. We went to 45 countries, played 73 shows in 36 of them, and only three shows fell through during the whole tour, because Nazis burned down the venue in Greece and we got turned away by the Moldovan army from entering "Europe's Black Hole", Transnistria. Wikipedia it. We weren't pussies though we were fully intending to drive through the world's largest rogue-nation manufacturer of black market weapons so we could get to our show in Ukraine on the shore of the Black Sea on time. We videotaped and photographed the whole tour and have signed an agreement with a reality TV production company, just because we felt like getting a reality TV show. It was no problem for us. We are also making the most inspirational 2-volume DVD and photo book ever. We made $60,942 on the tour in 3 months ROFL. That is a profit of $942. Our record label dropped us free and clear so they could sign In Flames and Hatebreed and also because they didn't see financial viability in EARTH TOUR. We hated them anyway because they don't care about art, which, besides survival, is the most important aspect of LIF. It shouldn't be a problem since we have 8 other record labels worldwide that we got by ourselves. We rejected a sponsorship from Affliction Clothing. No bands in the US let us tour with them because it depresses them to see how much more fun we have than them. At least they get to spend a lot of time on their laptops and live a transient lifestyle with all the benefits of a 9-5 corporate office job. But the truth is we love bands, and we love people, and we love playing basement shows, hall shows, small venue shows, mid-sized venue shows, and large venue shows including summer festival tours (which we love most of all) in either A, B, or C-markets. I guess you could say we're purists, we just love playing music! Actually, some of the bands we have toured with love us and we are friends with them. So I wish tour managers who met us and got their egos damaged would stop trying to ruin our reputation. :_( We hate tour managers. Because tour managers are useless fat losers who think they should be in charge of something but really they couldn't even get a real management job like Payless Shoe Source so they pretend to control band dudes. EVERYBODY knows that tour managers never get laid and are wack scum trick bitch trolls, and when you look in their eyes you see a void, a chaotic vacuum filled only with JEALOUSY, feelings of INFERIORITY, and PURE FEAR. Except for our tour managers. We are the most DIY band ever. Our manager is a fucking psychopath. (See what I did there?) His name is Tim Smith and last weekend he totaled his rental car on purpose. He had a child. The only reason we haven't fired him like we have done to the rest of our staff is because he is maybe crazier than us. We talk a lot of shit, I know it hurts, but that is because it is all true. We are all really ugly and dress horribly. We have horrible haircuts. We are ugly and dress horribly in a more endearing way than the bands you like.
If you are researching our myspace to interview us please know that our wikipedia was written by one fan who is like 15 years old and you could find better stuff to talk about than any of that if you were meant to be a real journalist. Obviously though if you are interviewing us your career is in pretty bad shape anyway. So I guess never mind.
Posted by A. Swanson at 8:55 PM